Comments on: Breakfast Serial .03: Third Wheel

By: kink

kink — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:09:11 +0000

Thanks for the kind words, D.

And thanks for the plug on your LiveJournal. I totally wasn’t expecting that.

By: Derrick

Derrick — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 23:35:14 +0000

Very cool action stuff in this installment. Just enough to give me a nice little rush but you didn’t skimp on the characterization and some of the one-liners are priceless.

By: kink

kink — Mon, 04 May 2009 02:49:41 +0000

Thank you kindly also.

I dunno if The Body Shop itself will appear any time soon, but you’ll get a pretty good idea of what all the upgrades do next weekend, if all goes to plan.

By: Tom Moses

Tom Moses — Mon, 04 May 2009 02:44:16 +0000

oh and yeah, Spatter is great too.

By: Tom Moses

Tom Moses — Mon, 04 May 2009 02:43:36 +0000

As Neville said, I have to agree metaphor it up and you’re back in business to the fullest. But there were so many things I liked about this session and one of my favorite ideas that I can’t wait to see you explore is “The Bodyshop, where evil goes for upgrades!”

By: kink

kink — Sun, 03 May 2009 17:08:09 +0000

Thank you kindly, sir.

I know what you mean about the action. I got tired of writing “bullets” and “blood” in a hurry. I’ll metaphor it up in the future.

By: H.H. Neville

H.H. Neville — Sun, 03 May 2009 07:18:10 +0000

This is improving greatly as you go along. The characters become more individual, more vivid. You’ve obviously got a great ear for lively banter, and it shows in spades hear, especially the opening sequence between Spatter and DeathGrip.

Fuck Earth science, history indeed!

Anyway, this seems the most action oriented pieces of the three (each having little bits before) and the action is written best here, but sometimes I think it’s played too safe, too matter-of-factly, at least for my liking.

That said, this:

You all right, boss?” Bo Peep didn’t wait for an answer before giving the female officer a new set of dimples. Her molars exploded in an orgy of crimson and ivory. But, she kept coming. She kept firing. “Bitch is crazy,” the linebacker lookalike announced to no one in particular.

Was effing beautiful. Channel this, and you’ll be right back on your game, for serious.

It seemed that after that paragraph, you hit a serious stride in the action anyway, fluid and fun to read.

Anyway, digging the characters for sure. Digging the stolen property.

Pinnacle, eh?

Oh, and Ten-Second-Rule…seriously genius name, that.